Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Looking Back...

I've just spent the last hour or so reading over my past posts. I chose to look at October 2005 posts and also what I was doing one year ago. After reading a few entries, I thought "Wow, to be young and foolish." That was 2 years ago, not 20 years, but really, I feel like I've changed so much. Maybe I haven't, but I still think that girl 2 years ago is an idiot. Hindsight is 20/20, right?

In my post on September 27, 2006, I wrote about my future self in September 2007. I felt good things were in store for me and that I'd be in a happy place around this time. Now that was a damn smart girl 1 year ago - she was certainly right! I am developing a new position within my division at work and traveling along a new career path, one that will take me places. I have said goodbye to so many boys and men that I let trail along with me for so long... and then one day, I put my foot down and said "Enough!" It was the day I met the man of my dreams - seriously. I am truly in love and it really makes the world feel like a hopeful, happy place.

But as I read more and more posts, this feeling of hope that comes with a new relationship is a familiar reoccurance in my life. That's when I get a little anxious and concerned about the bursting of my bubble. What makes this different from any of the others? Why do I continue to delude myself into believing I have found love? What is wrong with me?

Then I glance over at my caller ID as my phone rings, and I see him calling me, and my heart beats a little faster, and the ends of my mouth curl upward, and I stifle a nervous giggle as I say 'Hello?' to the man I see in my future for a very, very long time.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

My Fairy Tale...

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you might have read the first two parts of my fairy tale. You see, after each relationship I have, if it strikes me as important, I write about it in the form of a fairy tale. In case it's not clear, I am the princess. Here, for the first time online, is Part III of this ever growing epic story....

Part III

The beautiful Princess, despite the heartbreak she had suffered from the canoeist, managed to keep afloat on the great big Sea of Dreams. Some days, it was hard to keep harsh winds from taking control of her sails. She struggled to maintain her power as the captain of her little sailboat. She had to tug at the cranks and ropes, fighting to keep her sailboat aimed in the right direction, away from the rocky shoreline.

Most days, she was grateful to be floating effortlessly over the lulling waves of the sea. She had the wonderful companionship of her friends and spent many evenings lounging on the edge of her boat, her feet dangling in the water, watching the sun melt into the sea. She felt privileged to be surrounded by her friends, the beautiful sea, and the warmth of the glowing golden sun. The challenge of being a successful captain and keeping her sailboat in shipshape was a huge responsibility in the princess’s small world, but a responsibility she took on with much pride and conviction.

On some days, the roughest days at sea, the princess had to remind herself of the purpose of her journey because she felt strong urges to give up on her quest. On one of these particularly harsh days, with the sun beating down and the waves chopping fiercely, the princess was about to let go of everything and let the wind take full control of her sails, when she saw a ship in the distance. At first the ship looked small and meek way out on the horizon, but it quickly grew larger and larger as it stealthily approached the princess’s sailboat.

The princess started to jump and frantically waved her arms overhead trying to warn the ship’s controller of her presence, fearing the two vessels would collide and her beloved sailboat would be damaged. To the relief of the princess, the ship made an abrupt stop just before crashing into the sailboat. As she recovered from the panic she felt, a ladder made of rope dropped down one side of the ship and a loud voice boomed from the ship’s deck “All aboard!”

The princess, confused at this bold invitation to board the ship, stood dumbfounded on what now seemed like her very small and inadequate sailboat, and stared up at the high looming wall of the ship. She slowly inched her way over to the ladder and peered up to see the ladder’s final destination but the ladder disappeared into a newly formed, dense fog and it was impossible to see the top. She grabbed hold of the ladder, placed one foot on the lowest rung, took a deep breath, and began to climb. After climbing fifty-two rungs, the princess reached the top, and swung one leg over the ship’s railing.

After heaving her body over the railing and smoothing down her dress, she looked up, startled to see a small man standing directly in front of her. He was dressed head to toe in purple velvet with a crown perched on his head and his hands on his hips. He demanded to know who she was and her purpose on the Sea of Dreams. Because he was a prince from a far away land, he was pleased to learn she was a princess on a quest. He clapped his hands three times and announced loudly, to no one in particular, that an extravagant party would be held in honor of the princess, with food and drinks, music and dancing.

From every nook and cranny on the ship, all the prince’s servants suddenly appeared. They whirled about frantically decorating the ship, clearing the bow for dancing, and setting up a large banquet table filled with more food than the princess had seen in a long time. Sparkling lights dangled from every mast and sail, meats, cheeses, fruits, and vases of wine adorned the banquet table, and the strings and woodwinds of the orchestra sent beautiful music floating up toward the clear, still sky.

The prince offered his hand to the princess and led her to the table where they sat together eating, drinking, talking, and laughing. The prince was enamored with all the princess had to say and he had a sparkle in his eye that matched the diamonds in his crown. When they had their fill of decadent food and drink, the prince pushed out his chair and again offered his hand to the princess leading her out to the dance floor. The princess laughed and sang as the prince twirled her about the dance floor. She couldn’t remember the last time she had this much fun and feeling the prince’s arms hold her gently and spin her about put a smile on her face and a warmth in her heart. They danced and held each other until the sun melted into the sea on one side of the ship and began to rise again on the other side.

The prince told her promises of the beautiful, rich life they could have on the ship together, and how he would shower her with luxuries and endless enjoyment. The princess began to wonder and dream about this possibility. But all the delicious food and drinks, and all the dancing, had taken a toll on the princess and her eyelids began to feel heavy with sleep. She asked the prince for a moment to rest, maybe a place to sit and relax her tired body. The prince directed her to a small cabin with an overstuffed mattress, fluffy pillows, and a soft, thick blanket. She lay down, gratefully rested her head on the pillows, and sighed with comfort.

When she awoke, the princess found herself shivering, curled up with just a blanket, back on the deck of her very own sailboat. She sat straight up and frantically looked around to see where the prince had gone. Finally, she glanced up only to see the ship growing smaller and smaller in the distance and the outline of the little man waving to her from the stern. The princess hung her head in disappointment and, as she looked down, she noticed a scroll tied with a red satin ribbon next to her hand. She carefully unrolled the scroll, and felt a tear trickle down her cheek as she read:

Princess, I grew bored of our time together. I began to think about what you had told me, how you are a princess of a small, humble land, and I don’t think we should continue traveling together. I am off to make grand accomplishments and continue my luxurious life. Goodbye.

The princess, humiliated and alone, curled herself back into the blanket and laid her head on the cold, hard deck. She couldn’t find the energy to move her body from that awkward, uncomfortable position. Instead she heaved heavy sighs and sobbed dramatically until the tears dripping from her face made small pools on the deck around her head. What could she have done to be more interesting to the prince? Why had she needed to rest when the prince surely would have preferred her to continue the celebration? What could she have done differently to make the prince continue to be enamored with her?

After several moments of allowing these thoughts to swirl in her head, the princess pushed the blanket off her body, as it had grown itchy and damp in the humid salty air. She tossed it off her sailboat and watched the lapping waves carry it away. She used the mast of her sturdy sailboat to heave her body upright and suddenly her head began to clear. She felt light on her feet. The food and drink had clouded her mind and polluted her body. As she reminisced about her time on the ship, she couldn’t remember one nice thing about the little prince. The celebration, although fun and exciting, distracted her from really hearing what the prince was saying to her.

The princess laughed as she pictured herself under the blanket, losing tears over the small man and his ship. It was a grand party, one that she won’t soon forget and was honored to have been invited, and it was easy to imagine herself the pretty princess on that massive, luxurious ship. However, the princess cannot change the history of her land and what makes her the princess she is today. She was not ashamed of her past, so why would she want to change anything to impress that silly prince?

The sun was still shining brightly in the sky, sparkling just as brightly as the prince’s crown. The princess chuckled and silently scorned herself for allowing the glitz and glitter of the prince’s ship to alter her vision and forget the ultimate goal of her quest. The princess began to go about her business of caring for her ship and checking her sails. She felt the cold shame of the prince’s disapproval begin to melt away with each rope she pulled and seeing her large white sails billow out from the wind made her beam with pride.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Ego Boost

The easiest way to get an ego boost is to ask five of your closest friends to briefly describe your personality. I know this, because I did just that. Not on purpose. Well, I guess it was on purpose. It was meant to be research for a paper I had to write about myself for one of my psychology classes - "What are 3 of your personality characteristics and what do you believe are the reasons behind these characteristics?"

I sat and stared at a blank computer screen for about 15 minutes. What came to mind? Well, I'm anal retentive, defensive, have a low self esteem, highly critical of myself, sometimes moody, indecisive, blah blah blah. Nothing but negativity. What's a girl to do?

Just short of curling up in my security blanket and crying myself to sleep, I decided to do what an indecisive person does best - ask someone else. So I sent this text message to five of my closest friends:

"What would you say are some of my personality characteristics? It's for a paper I'm writing for Psych class."

Their responses:

Dave (boyfriend): outgoing and thoughtful! oh yeah, and easy too!

Thanks, honey.

Amanda: oh my gosh... where to start?! :-) organized, efficient, thoughtful in your words and actions, understanding, good hair ;-)

Well, that's because I haven't used a crimper since 1987.

Rebecca: generous, nurturing, loving, motivated, and hopefully understanding when ur friend tells you she slept with her ex-boyfriend

Hold that thought - I'll call you when I'm done writing my paper.

Jaime: fun, caring, understanding, outgoing, spontanious... just to name a few ;).

And my best friend, April: sympathetic, loving, giving, passionate, understanding, accepting, determined, focused. is that enough or do you need more? it's hard for me to just describe you in one word descriptions! :)

Holy cow... maybe I should make "highly emotional" a main topic of the paper because I was in tears after reading their responses.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Chi Town

I am in Chicago at a conference for work. I don't mind sight seeing by myself or even going to dinner and out for a drink or two in a strange town. However, it has been raining like crazy here! Not only does that make it hard to be a tourist-on-foot, but no one in town wants to brave the storms and have a night out, so they stay in. Which makes for little social contact for me. I am going to see "Wicked" tonite and then maybe I'll be brave enough to stop by a hot new club or restaurant. I know there is so much to see and do here... I refuse to sit in my hotel room. Although, a room at the Hilton with a view of Grant Park and Lake Michigan ain't half bad.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Psuck-o-logy

I am 2 classes deep into my Master of Science in Psychology program. I took 4 classes in the MBA program and dropped it. The business world is so....oh, I don't know.... business-y. Blah. So I switched programs and here I am - a graduate student in psychology. Being a journalism major, this is a much better fit for me. I can read and study people, and then write about it. A lot. Right now we are working on family genograms, which is basically a family tree but more detailed. Hey... I didn't sign up for this stuff to study my OWN psycho-ness. Isn't it everyone else in the world that has the problems? Wrong-o. I know my life and family are everything but perfect, but I have been happily making my way through this world by IGNORING that fact and floating along on my happy cloud eating cupcakes. But now my professor has us studying our family history and worse yet - our own development. EEK! Now I have to face myself and all my problems - luckily from a psychologist's point of view so it doesn't seem so personal.

Like I said before, the crazy stays in my head, folks. From the outside, they all think I'm sane.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Nice to Meet You

Well holy cow. It's been ages. Let me tell you what's been going on... hold on, let me crack my knuckles and stretch my palms... here goes.

1) It's been 10 beautiful months in my condo in downtown Phoenix. It is so great being a homeowner. And living alone...

2) Well, almost alone. My 11 month old puppy and her best friend, the cat Nea, take up a lot of space, damn couch hogs.

3) Don't have the boyfriend anymore but it's for the best because I've fallen head over heals for a man that I will one day make my husband. He even gets named in this entry - no nickname for him *gasp*!!! Dave and I have been dating since Memorial Day weekend. We met in Rocky Point, so in about a year, please plan for a destination wedding in Mexico. Wow - the crazy stays in my head, promise. Not a word of this gets spoken aloud.

4) I am still working at the University and pretty much just get along by tolerating my job. I have an office and stare out a window all day. How bad can it be, right?

I really need to get my creative juices flowing again. I have missed the blogging world.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Naming Game

When I go see Justin Timberlake in January, I’ll go to the Jobing.Com Arena, formerly known as Glendale Arena. They had to change the name, not only for business and advertising sake, but heaven forbid a venue be simply named after the city in which it is located.

If I want to see the Cardinals lose a game or two, I’ll head on over to the University of Phoenix Stadium, ironically named after a university when the Cardinals just fought their way out of ASU’s Sun Devil Stadium, where they had been playing for years. Do you feel better now, Cardinals Organization? You’ll agree to anything for the right price, regardless the impression it makes, right?

Oh, and let’s not forget about Dodge Theater, U.S. Airways Center, or the Alltel Ice Den. The only venues that seem to stick to some level of naming integrity are the Mesa Amphitheatre and the Orpheum Theatre. Either I know exactly where it is located (MESA! An actual city!) or it’s fun to say and sounds interesting (Orpheum. What exactly is Orpheum? Plural of the Greek god Orpheus? Sure, why not.).

I’m embarrassed enough to be an Arizonan living with these god-awful arena and theater names. But it gets even worse in California – Staples Center, Honda Center, Save Mart Center, iPayOne Center, Qualcomm Stadium, or Petco Park. Am I going to see an event or am I shopping? I’m confused.

What if the Spearmint Rhino Gentleman’s Club was the highest bidder in the naming of a venue? “Yes, we are going to see the Nutcracker at the Spearmint Rhino Theatre. No, no… it’s the PG version.”

I just have to complain a moment, because we are bombarded with advertising at every turn of our head, click of the mouse, and tuning of the radio. Can’t we just go in peace to a ballgame or the ballet without being a walking billboard for a cellular company or a car manufacturer when we tell people where we are going for the evening? Maybe I’m just annoyed because I think listeners should be excited or appalled when I say I am going to SEE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, not be confused or miffed when they ask where he is performing and I have to say “Jobing.Com Arena.”

Now, I’ll get off my soapbox. I have to go wash my face with this cleanser that is going to leave my face clean, clear, and resembling the suppleness of a ten-year-old girl, then enjoy a cup of hot tea that promises to boost my metabolism while fulfilling every nutritional need. I will sit back, relax, and remind myself how I will not be influenced by advertising, then switch on the T.V. and cry at a Hallmark commercial while thinking I need to get my mom the greatest present in the world this Christmas or I am horrible daughter.

american+girl.
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