Surreal

I’m in a really weird zone right now. I’m floating somewhere between relief and resolve, teetering between serenity and sadness.

He called to say he was in the lobby of the building I work in. I hung up the phone and quickly opened my compact to check my hair and makeup. Skin – better than usual, hair – a little flat but no biggie. Why am I concerned about the way I look? I left him. I don’t want him back. Is it evil of me to want him to still want me a little? To want him to still find me attractive?

In the elevator, I pulled at my sweater so it lay just right on my hips at the bottom and showed just the slightest bit of cleavage at the top. He always had a thing for boobs. I tousled my hair a bit and checked my reflection in the elevator’s shiny walls. This will have to do, in 15 seconds the elevator door will open. Look confident, look breezy.

He stood waiting near the front door, looking uncomfortable in his own skin, as usual. He’s not the most handsome guy, but he carries himself well, although because I know him well, I know it’s an act. But he did look very nice in his dress slacks and tie.

“Hi.” He turned to face me at the sound of my voice. “Do you want to go into the bank to use their notary?” I asked.

“Sure, if this is where the bank is.”

I led him to the lobby’s bank and asked for the notary that I had just used a few days prior.

“Sorry, she’s out sick,” said the girl at the front desk.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said turning to him. “You came all the way down here and you can’t even get them notarized.”

“That’s okay.”

We sat down in the waiting room chairs and I flipped through each page pointing out the essentials, finishing with the post-it where I wrote down the mailing address. It seemed highly inappropriate that the post-it with the address was heart-shaped. It’s all I had at my desk.

“Once you sign everything and have it notarized, send it to this address.”

Before he left, I asked about mutual friends and friends from the past – Did you know that so and so is pregnant? Did you remember to wish so and so happy birthday? As he pushed open the door to leave, I fixed the back of his collar where his tie was beginning to show.

“Thanks.” He said and walked away. I’ll probably never see him again.

I just served my husband with divorce papers. Finally. After being separated for almost two years now, I have finally made the next step towards closure.

I am not happy, I am not sad. I just… am.