Nightmares

I watched Medium last night. I was enthralled throughout the entire episode, loved it, but Allison's nightmares inspired nightmares of my own.

I have finally seen pictures of Plan B.'s new girlfriend - good because now I see what (and I say what on purpose) he'd rather be with, bad because now my brain can place her face in my dreams. I tossed and turned all night, floating in and out of visions where I felt trapped and helpless, with nowhere to turn and with no one who understood me. I was an emotional wreck throughout each scenario, breaking down into tears, viciously screaming, extremely angry and immensely sad all at the same time. In my dreams, just as in Allison's, Plan B., his girlfriend, and any other onlookers peered down on me, shaking their heads pitifully, and seemed to think my behavior was completely uncalled for and quite absurd. I know that in dreams, emotions can seem magnified 1,000% and the slightest twist of events can seem like the end of the world. It seems that more and more frequently, life can feel the same way.

I have been in more incidents than I care to count in just the past few months where I have that same feeling of being trapped and overwhelmed with emotion, and no one, not one person, can see where I coming from and the reason for my behavior. Of course, my emotions aren't played out as fully as they are in my dreams, thankfully, but my mind swirls in the same way. "Doesn't anybody see where I am coming from here?" "Doesn't anybody get it?" But I know that they don't and probably won't ever. This is when I choose to walk away, close my mouth, and just feel calm and quiet within myself, and realize that it just doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Luckily, this is when I can open my eyes and wake myself up from the nightmare.